I didn’t want the big bad people to get me. So I got off the bus and slowly made my way towards my house. My sister and I hid behind each house and ran between the openings. So that the bad people my mommy had been talking about couldn’t see us. I am four years old. Behind one of the houses I saw a pretty butterfly. Then a calico cat came and caught it in his big claws. When I got home I hesitantly went into the house. Mommy was stumbling through the house with her big red eyes and messy hair. She was on drugs. Once upon a time she was that pretty butterfly. Now that cat named heroine cocaine catches her. She started yelling and as her hand made contact with my left temple mumbling something about how bad I was. I wished for my pretty butterfly back and closed my eyes to endure the pain.
Shawnie
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The specific details of your writing bring imagery to the reader. This piece allows the audience to become totally involved with everything you have to say. I like how you began it by setting the scene for the rest of the story to follow. It makes it more meaningful when the reader can experience what you your emotion and you definitely accomplished this. Also, you created a vivid picture by comparing your mother to the butterfly and cat scenario. This connection makes the reader think critically and anticipate what you will write next.
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